I walked home with an exam in my hand...

College has a way of changing your high school mentality of being a big fish in a little pond... the more I attend classes and take exams and try to measure up to expectations in college, the more I realize how very small I am compared to the ocean of fish I'm now a part of. When it comes to school, I feel as if I cannot even begin to compare to the educational whales with whom I associate. The balanced life I've chosen simply will not allow for rising to the top of such a lofty standard... or can it?

I know from many hours of personal experience that grades of that stamina come from incredible amounts of effort and hours of studies... using the variety of techniques that you've found works best for you. Pulling an A in a class is not an easy accomplishment. And yet, for some it seems to come fairly easily- even for those with a far busier course load than I am occupied with... and I marvel at how God's hand guides their lives. I have seen the result of a life lived in accordance to God's commandments and how, if it is needed and necessary for God's plan of happiness for that person to progress, His hand is seen lifting and guiding that person in educational aspects of their lives. Somehow, He always pulls them through on top.

This sort of blessing has been mine for more times than I can count. But lately, I'm noticing that the perfection I expect from myself has been lacking in my classes. Partially because of the other priorities in my life that I choose to make of more importance than classes at times. I do still study hard, I try my best to manage my time well, and I really am doing quite well in my classes. Just not as well as past years... and because of my stubborn yearning for perfection, I let that drive me absolutely bonkers somedays. I determine to study harder and more efficiently as I walk out of class with an exam holding a score not quite as high as I'd have liked it to be... and then life continues.

I find myself doing good things, growing in ways I need to be growing, fulfilling my calling, attending the temple, dating, gallivanting with my roommates, friends, and sister, studying for my institute classes... the list goes on... but somehow, someway, I manage to feel like I don't measure up to par in school... and it's such a big part of my life that this feeling of disappointment seeps its way into my overall attitude. And that's not okay with me.

*Sigh*

Good thing I have a firm testimony in the eternal plan of happiness God has in store for me. I know that as long as I'm doing the things necessary for my hand to be firmly grasped to the iron rod, things will all fall into place as they should. And as I continue to walk step by step into the dark, I am reassured each and every time the light of understanding envelops me-- but only after I've taken that step into the unknown.

May we each have the faith to let God guide our footsteps and ultimately bring us home.